With only a few days of the land of smiles under my belt, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and newly acquainted with my international friends, I set off for a night on the infamous Khao San road. Before I go any further I would just like to recapitulate the drinking that had gone down prior.
So I had done a little Muay Thai that day and afterwards the guys asked me to go out to eat with them. Eating dinner with Muay Thai fighters is a pretty bad ass proposition, so of course I accepted. Whilst at dinner it was decided that we would get a 5 liter tower of Chang beer to accompany our Thai cuisine. And then we decided to get another one. And then another one after that. After an amazing family style dinner we all left and went our separate ways.
I then met my met up with some Californians, had a beer and went to meet a group of 40ish people to eat at a buffet where you pick what you want from the line and you cook it on your own grill. It’s a brilliant idea and you can find these riddled throughout the country. Amongst the group of 6 at our table we ordered two Chang towers. I downed some food, and some Chang, and we were off. After a few days I was still in the process of getting to know the 100 some foreign students that were part of my exchange group, so some Parisians and I began conversing and we decided to purchase a bottle of Absolut. The whole group of us staggered back to our apartment, Amarin Mansion, and headed to the roof to binge drink. The bottle was empty very shortly after we returned. At this point we were pretty drunk. So we decided to go to Khao San road, the craziest most fucked up place that I had ever been to, which I have learned to love.
We get to Lava, one of the few clubs on Khao San, and I lay eyes on the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. It was time to move in. My friend and I infiltrated her group of friends and thankfully and predictably she had many hot friends for him to choose from. Excellent. After much egregious dancing it was on to step two. How we fandangled this is a mystery to me considering that none of the girls could speak a lick of English, but we somehow charaded to them to go home with us. I became quite giddy. Banging Thailand’s hottest citizen would be quite the introduction to this amazing country. I was going to be so cultured afterwards I thought, although some asshole wanted to foil my plans.
“You know that’s a lady boy you’re with right?” Inquired a 5 foot tall black man in a bucket hat.
“Yeah, you’re with a lady boy. She has a dick.”
“Dude, fuck you. Who are you?”
“I’m telling you, that is a lady boy. I’m going to go up to every Thai person I see and ask them just to prove this to you.”
“Go fuck yourself.”
And off he went to a group of Thais as we made our way to the end of the road that was guarded by a McDonalds: my little slice of America. I couldn’t hear the exchange of words, but the Thai man enthusiastically frowned in disgust and crossed his arms in an x shape to indicate that it was bad.
“See I told you. Dude, don’t do it. I’m telling you. Don’t.”
“Look man I don’t know what your deal is, but you can blow me. “
With this he ran up to another group of Thais and they responded in a similar manner.
“Look man two groups of people have both indicated that that is a lady boy. I studied here the whole last semester. You should just trust me.”
With fervor I yelled,”FUCK YOU,” and walked off.
Note: One of the girls I was with claimed that I had said YOLO, but I do not remember that at all. Therefore it never happened.
I drunkenly sped away from all of my friends in hopes of evading all future obstacles and then jumped in a taxi. We started making out pretty hard and then we arrived at our destination. I took her upstairs. This is when shit started getting crazy.
I threw my shirt off and then threw her on the bed. She had some pretty big tits which was quite surprising for an Asian I thought. She ripped off my jeans and proceeded to fellate me. It was obvious she had done this before. In fact, it was some of the finest mouth work I had seen in my day.
I knew I had to take this further. She was wearing nothing but panties and I knew I must rid her body of that barrier.
I began to take off her panties, but she resisted. I thought she was playing hard to get so I continued.
I ripped them off and to my horror what do I see, but a one-eyed monster staring me straight in the face. It was probably the smallest wiener I’ve ever seen in my life which isn’t really saying a whole lot, because I don’t really look at wieners ever, but nonetheless it was quite minuscule. And the balls: none. She had none. Or should I switch pronouns to he? I think that might be a bit more appropriate. He had no balls, although that phrase is quite often used jokingly to refer to someone who won’t complete a dare, in this case the usage was quite literal. There was just a hanging sack of skin.
I sat on the edge of my bed for a few moments contemplating my life up to this point. I never would of imagined that this potential Miss Universe candidate would be wielding a vienna sausage. Not wishing to continue this sexual encounter mainly because I’m not gay I jumped off my seat and began putting my clothes on indicating that it was time for us to leave. So I walked him down my staircase silently and quickly in hopes of not waking any of my apartment mates and attempted to kick him out the door.
That didn’t work out so well. He started yelling. Fuck. This was the last thing I needed. In the most broken of broken Englishes he tried to tell me he had no money for a taxi and accompanied this with a gesture of opening up his wallet and displaying his lack of funds. So what did I do? I hand him 500 baht (17 dollars), the only thing I have in my wallet, and push him out the door and run upstairs to my room and pass out.
I wake up in the morning hung over and full of shame, and meet up with my exchange group to tour the Grand Palace of Thailand, one of the Thailand’s most famous tourist attractions. Before I set off I sent Alex a quick text, it read: “Should have listened to that black guy. That chick had a dick”.
Originally this story was to be kept by me and me alone, except for Alex. I was going to carry this to the grave, although I really needed to get it off my chest. So I decided I would tell one more person. My friend Nomad was the lucky contestant. He was probably the worst person I could have told, because immediately after I told him he told the whole group of exchange students. I couldn’t hide the truth anymore. I had to claim it. An onslaught of questions subsequently ensued.
“How did you not know? Voice, Adam’s Apple, lack of tits, hands… I mean it should have been pretty obvious.”
“I swear every indication of femininity was there. His voice: sweet and sultry. No Adam’s Apple. Huge knockers. I missed the hands though. That probably would have been a tell tale sign.”
“So does that make you gay?”
“Did you like it?”
“I mean it was pretty good, I guess.”
“I mean you know what they say; only a guy knows what a guy wants.”
“What the fuck. Who says that?”
“Gay guys like you.”
“Oh, fuck you.”
The gay comments continued for several hours. I talked to Alex about this the next day and upon my accusation that he took the other lady body home he denied it and said he had brought a different girl home. I think that was a load of shit. He was so into her. Coupled with the fact that he was completely wasted I have my doubts.
On that day I solidified my reputation among the exchange group as the guy who got blown by a lady boy. Just for the record, I did not finish. That would have been so gay.
Virginia redneck, born and raised, got his first real taste of travel on a study abroad trip to Thailand. This 22 year old is on a mission for the crazy and compromising. He just moved to Australia with no money, a few shirts, and a dream of a life of travel. You can check out his hilarious blog at World Campaign.